What I learned in 2014

I am joining Emily at Chatting at the Sky for What I Learned in 2014.

We bless this year for all we learned, 

For all we loved and lost

And for the quiet way it brought us

Nearer to our invisible destination.  - To Bless the Space Between Us

I think I could mark this year as my mid-life crisis.  I thought it was just for men who traded in the sensible family car for a sporty convertible - yet apparently mid-life crisis is equal opportunity to both of the sexes and it shows up when it is least expected. I want to mark it and move on.  This process has been painful. Productive.  Humbling. 

My crisis did not come in the form of a car, although  we did buy a new vehicle in September, but in a long drawn out process to dig deep between me and God.  There have been many tears and much gnashing of teeth.  I have come to realize that I have had some faulty thinking.

Parenting is hard.  We are all doing the best we can with what we know.  As much as I wish it could be trimmed down to a neat and tidy formula, parenting is messy.  Children have their own agendas, thoughts and wills.  It is prideful of me to judge another parent on what I see from the outside.  I am only getting a small snapshot of what is going on.  We should encourage and build up other parents because this gig is super hard.  I question my decisions of parenting most of the time and wonder if I my children will need therapy when they are adults.  When I see my insecurities come out in my children I cringe...and cry.  I want to do it well and I am sure you do too. 

Marriage still takes work.  I've been married for 22 years.  My man is amazing and wonderful.  He is thoughtful, kind, and serves me well.  Anytime he is away from home whether it be an errand he is running or coming home from work, he calls and asks if I need anything before he gets home.  Every time. He calls me "Beautiful" even when and especially when I am not.  I am so thankful that he does not measure his love for me on what I give to him.  It takes a lot of effort to keep my husband a priority, look into his heart, and give to him when I feel empty.  Ron is easy to love, faithful to give to me and the kids and I take him for granted most of the time.  I want to love him well.  I am so thankful that I get to spend my life with him.  He is my greatest gift.

I like to be in control.  I don't like the unknowns.  The what-ifs in life.  I don't like to need people.    I have tried in vain to keep things under my control and not step out into the unknown because it is safe, and it falsely feels like control.  When I release my tight grip and open my hands it gives God the opportunities to do something new and wonderful.  Starting in my heart.  My controlling behaviors come out in trying to do things perfect without grace, especially towards my self.  Being hyper sensitive to comments and hyper critical towards others keeping them a safe distance to prevent potential hurts.  I am learning so much about grace.  How much I need it and how much God wants to give it.  I have closed my hand to His grace falsely believing that I could do life on my own and avoid hurts.  I am leaning into the Gifts of Imperfection.

I am looking forward to 2015.  It is a new stage of life for me and my family.  I want to approach it with grace and love my people well.  I want to be open to new relationships and deepening the ones I already have.  I want to fall forward. 

I have tried this several times.  To start this space again.  Way back, several years ago, I loved blogging.  I met interesting like minded people and it was a way to process what I was learning and how I was growing.  Back then it didn't seem as though I was able to form a complete thought without the process of writing it down.  And then it changed.

I am not sure exactly when or what happened.  But somewhere along the way I became way too self conscious.  I remember going to dinner with a group of friends and one woman made a comment that blogging was narcissistic and it made me question my motives.  Was sharing recipes, crafts and thoughts really just a way to focus on me?

Then there came the time when you had to have a niche.  What kind of blogger was I?  Because apparently you need to have a niche if you are going to be on the internet.  I didn't feel as if I had a specialty or anything of any real value to say.

Add in broken friendships,life challenges, and Pintrest perfection...and I quit.

Too much time wasted on comparison and trying for perfection.  Too much value placed on what others thought.  God is teaching me much about self-grace as well as others-grace.  How much I need Him.  Oh, how I need HIM.

I have a daughter getting married, a son visiting colleges, a daughter struggling to find who she is, another maneuvering through Junior High and one in full blown 8 year old childhood.  This is a new season in life I am starting.  One with chicks in the nest as well as some birds starting to soar.  I want to love my people well.  I want to live a life of grace.  Grace to others and grace to myself.

Thank you Rachel for this very timely and encouraging post on maneuvering change. 

Let's try this again...

It has been a long time.

I want to use space to journal or process through what God is currently teaching me.  Hard lessons.  Perfectionism. Comparison.  Rest.  Grace.  Hypersensitivity.  Criticalness.  People pleasing.

So today.  I start again.  Again.

Weekend Thanksgiving

Gratitude truly is the foremost quality of a believing disciple precisely because gratitude is what births trust...the true belief .  Ann Voskamp

This weekend was lovely.  Pumpkins were carved.  Soup and homemade rolls were made.  And I spent all day Saturday watching Netflix and trying to knock-out this sickness that just keeps hanging on.

I also started a new book that looks wonderful and is already encouraging my heart.

Thankful for...
My husband doing all the Fall yard clean-up while I was down sick
Chai tea
Netflix
Soft Kleenex
Roasted pumpkin seeds
Enamel pots

Gratitude

I have so enjoyed reading some of the 31 days series.  It is so strange to me to read other women's thoughts.  Women who I do not know in my day to day life and have their thoughts echo mine. 

In my life there is little room to hear the hearts of my friends.  The busyness of life squeezes out the time and opportunity for real, deep conversation.  We talk of things like meal plans, schedules, work conflicts, and what is happening in our families.  We lack the time to share the deeper more important matters of the heart that really make a person who she is.  I love to read deeper thoughts of women processing through what God is teaching them.  How they are continuing to grow to be closer to His likeness. 

For nearly 2 years God has been teaching me the discipline of thankfulness.  Gratitude.  Contentment.  This process has been one step forward one step back most of the way.  Occasionally I move 2 or three steps forward only to quickly move 1, 2, 3 or 4 steps backwards. I am glad when I read of Paul who said "In  all circumstances I have LEARNED in whatever state I am, to be content." Phil 4:11.  Paul had to learn and practice this lesson too.  Learning is a process and a journey.  For me, a journey that I am climbing uphill, on rocky terrain, in the rain.  By nature I am a critical spirit.  But praise be to God that He does not leave us the way we are but pleasures in making us more like Himself.  And that my friends, is what this one life we have been given is all about.

Today I am thankful for...
Laughter with my family
A short little outing with my oldest
A full pantry
Menus planned for the month
A day off
Cooler weather and clear blue skies in October
Antibiotics
Coffee in the morning
Chocolate doughnuts

I love fabric on these chairs in my office that I get to look at every day.  They make me smile.

The way the flame on this candle burns.  Just look at it dance...

 

 

 

In my heart I truly believe that real joy comes from being content with my circumstances...my life.  Being OK with where I am today.  Not that God does not want movement or change, but I can be content in His timing and His way of change without taking things into my own hands and forcing my hand. 

 

 

Status Report

The weather has turned colder in these parts and I am glad of it.  I am looking forward to all things Fall!
Cooking:  Looking forward to making this wonderful soup  this weekend.  As well as pulling out the crock pot and finding some inspiration from these girls.

Wearing:  With the colder weather brings sweaters, jeans, and boots!  I have been looking at Pinterest for color combinations of things I already own.  I have found that I am not very creative on my own, but with the help of Pinterest it is possible to say "yes, I can"!

Studying:  I have just started A Woman After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George.  It is a back to basics type study focusing on prayer and priorities.  Two areas that I can always be reminded of and gain perspective on.

Practicing: I am continuing to practice Eucharisteo.  God has been teaching and re-teaching me about thanksgiving, grace and joy.  I find that practicing thanksgiving gives me perspective to see good.  It helps me to live out Phillipians 4:8 in thinking on things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy.  When I get my focus off of the things that are bothering me and find something to be thankful for my spirits life.  I am naturally a critical person and can find the negative in just about anything.  That helps no one - especially me.  God says I should think on the positive and HE knows best.   THIS is helping me.  Today's Joy Dare is to find 3 things orange to be thankful for...
*Pumpkins
*Fall flowers
*Little fingers squishing gooey orange paint

31 days of...

October is the month of 31 days. 

Bloggers all over will mark each day with words of wisdom, DIY projects, recipes, inspiration, health, and on and on.
I have participated in the background the past two years.  Reading.  Enjoying. Being inspired.  I look forward to doing the same this year.  As well as participating online too.

This little spot on the web was once such a joy for me.  I enjoyed working through my thoughts, recipes, and parenting dilemmas.  Here I found friendship and camaraderie.  I miss that.

For the month of October I am just going to show up.  We will see what comes out.  I have no idea.  I have no niche and I am an expert at no thing.  I am hoping to rekindle what once such a fun hobby and great way to stay connected with friends.

See you tomorrow...

Counting in July

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The online community is a gift.  What a blessing to connect with amazing women that I would not otherwise have the opportunity. 

I have found this counting gifts is so good for my soul.  It helps me to slow the pace and think about what is actually happening in my life.  To think about what the Lord is doing in and around me.  Without counting the gifts I have seen myself return to my natual tendencies to hurry through and to be critical and negative.  Counting makes me look for the positives and the graces.




Today's dare is to count gifts read.

"Generally you see what you look for in people" Power of a Woman's Words
God has been nudging me in regards to my sharp words and crtitical thoughts towards others.


"Discipline your thoughts to Me" Jesus Calling
My thoughts need to be brought into submission to His thoughts.  In all things - with all people.


"It's a trade.  You give us parts, and we give parts of ourselves to you" Holy Experience
We keep nothing for ourselves.  Giving to others, serving others, ministering to others gives them a piece of me and likewise.  We create as we give to others like a beautiful tapestry of threads.

Counting

"Comparison is the thief of joy".

 So true.  A theif that I welcome in with unlocked doors and open arms if I am honest with myself. 

Come on in.  Let me get out the measuring stick.  Oops.  See that?  I am just a little short.

How amazing would it be if I just lived my life the way God designed it to be?  Instead I find myself like the Star Bellied Sneeches comparing and counting stars on thars.  Rarely does the comparison thief come in the form of materialism.  Things don't attract me like they used to.  No it is comparing your children against mine.  Your spiritual walk against mine.  Your fulfillment in your job against mine.  Your service against mine.  Your commitment against mine.  The theme is you against me. 

These things ought not be.

Jamie has a written great post. This is a lesson that I have learned before.  Yet, I find myself re-learning it again and again.  God is a unique Creator.  Multifaceted.  Each of us are created uniquely with a unique purpose with unique gifts.  Yet, we look at each others "stars" and let it snatch our joy.  Really, we give it away.  I choose to want your "star" and forget what "stars" are uniquely mine.  I feel that my stars are inadequate or don't count for much. When the truth is your stars are just for you.  Your stars would not "fit" me.  I am the mom God has designed for my children.  I am the wife designed for my husband.  I am the friend designed for you.  It is like trying to fit into someone else's skinny jeans.  Not good.  Yet, I try.  I am joining into the pact with Jamie.  To be the best me and let you be the best you.  To live for the audience of One.

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your hands just as we told you.  So that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependant on anyone.
1 Thessalonians 4:11

Between the lines

I wrote my first blog post March 2007.  I had children ages 13, 10, 8, 6 and 1. Now our oldest has graduated high school and our youngest has graduated Kindergarten.  I used to think about potty training and braces.  I am still thinking about braces but my thoughts are also about college, careers, and boyfriends/girlfriends.

Blogging has aged too.  It used to be just a place anyone could have a voice on a wide variety of topics. One woman could have lots of opinions on lots of topics. Now it seems you need a niche.  Mommy-Blog. Decorater-Blog. Spiritual-Blog. Coupon-Blog. Green-Blog. Fitness-Blog.  Craft-Blog.  For an average girl like me, it gives me anxiety.  "THEY" say you need a niche.  A target audience.  What would be my niche?  Do I even have something that I am so passionate about that I could go on and on post after post about said topic.  I don't.  And I get tired of myself when I am continually voicing my narrowminded opinions on hot topics.  God is teaching me that I really do not need to share EVERY opinion I have.  Shocking.  I know.  Is it even OK for my target audience to be average girls with various thoughts on various topics?  Is it OK not even to really have an audience?  To not try to gather "followers"?

I have been feeling like maybe I missed my blog-window-of-opportunity.  Feeling that I was not an expert in any topic in any sense.  Feeling like maybe the young Mommy Bloggers had taken over all of the web space.  I even had inferior feelings like they had much more knowledge on just about any given topic than I.  I often wondered 'how did they get so dang smart so early'.  But then I remembered why I started this blog.  It was a way for me to get down a complete thought.  With days filled with babies, tears, reading children's books and doing math problems with my kiddos blogging was a way to think one complete adult thought.  It was a way for me to remain somewhat sane in the mundaness of life.

Most of the bloggers from my early days have moved on.  The ones that have continued I treasure like an old friendship.  The one's that you don't see for years and then can pick right back up.  Others I miss dearly.  I have found new blogs that I enjoy too and that is fun.  New friendships are always fun.

So I am coming to the realization that blogging is like life.  It is a journey.  It is like me.  Changing and evolving. 

Status Report

I have had a hard time coming up with much of anything worthwhile to blog about.  So I told a friend that I would do a status report and hopefully get the creativity flowing...(she also agreed to do one, and as of yet has not...you know who you are)

Reading: The Power of a Woman's Words by Sharon Jaynes.  I did a Sunday School lesson a few weeks ago from the book of James about the power of our words and what God has to say about using our tongue.  The lesson has been kickin' my rear.  The more I meditate on the scriptures regarding this the more I seem to fail.  In fact, the last two weeks my mouth has been out. of. control.  Why do I do the things I don't want to do...?  Ageless question.  I need help.  Or a muzzle.

Drinking:  French Vanilla Cafe.  My fave.

Studying:  James by Beth Moore.  Just finished day one.  Appherently God thinks I have much to learn from Mr. James.

Thinking about: Blessing my family on Valentine's Day with special treats and notes.

Pinning:  Latest pin was for a carmel fondue.  Yum!

Dreaming: Of doing some landscaping this year.  Adding a peach tree.  I would love some privacy fencing.

Cooking:  Tonight it was Creamy Chicken Pockets and a salad.  Tomorrow is Chinese Chicken.  Wednesday we eat at church.  Thursday:  French Dip Sandwiches with sweet potato fries.  Friday:  Spaghetti.  Saturday:  Potato soup.

The list

1000.  The number seems taunting at first.  Could I really find 1000 things in my life to be thankful? Some days the thankfulness comes so easy.  Everything is sunshine and daisies. 

·         Watching my five year old play with Barbies

·         Listening to Pandora worship station at work

·         Watching the Passion Conference online

·         Lunch with my daughter

Other days the thanks has to be dug for like a buried treasure.  I know it is there, but I cannot see it at first glance.  It is taking time to be quiet (my word for the year)  and to think of the things that are blessing my heart.

·         Second chances

·         New starts at a fresh week

·         Letting go of resentment

·         Feeling better after being ill

This counting has been a healing balm to my spirit.  A healing that I did not realize that I needed. 

I recently finished reading Kisses from Katie and as I read of her life in Uganda, and the lives of those where she lives I realize that I have so much.  So stinking much to be thankful for yet sometimes I choose ingratitude.  Counting continually reminds me of the Giver of all good gifts.  The little journal that sits on the end table waiting for me to add gifts to it beckons me to add to the list.  Once I start the list grows and grows.   But I have to choose to start.  Consider joining Ann with her January list to get you started. 

A mini-revival

 Image http://homegrownhospitality.typepad.com/homegrown_hospitality/

I love formulas.  Not necessarily the mathematical sort but the “if X  then Y” sort.  If I do this then this will happen.  If my attitude is this then the outcome will be such.  I love the idea that there is predictability.  Control.  I am fooling myself.

I live in a home with six other people.  As much as I would like it to be different, I have no control over them.  Yes, I can make consequences, but I cannot control.  And I really don’t think it is in their or my best interest if I do the controlling anyways.  But at times I want to know the outcome.  If I teach gratitude my children will be grateful.  If I value cleanliness my children will pick up after themselves.  If I make them well balanced meals my family will be healthy.  If my children see me value church and the Lord they will also.  If I pray enough in the morning I will have a blessed day.  If I am nice enough then my relationships will all go well (for me). 

What I do have control over is me.  My attitude, my response, my actions.  And that. Is. It.

I feel my Spirit is in a sort of revival.  I have a new desire for Scripture memory.  For journaling during quiet time.  A hunger to know more of Him.  To encourage others.  To give grace frivolously.  Because if grace is undeserved then why shouldn’t it be given frivolously?  I want to receive that kind from Him.  And I want to give that to others.

Word for 2012

Quiet

What are my hopes for 2012?

Quiet.

Quiet my mouth.  Be careful what I say and use the KNT (Kind Necessary True) rule.  So much of my opinion is really not needed nor does it do any good in encouraging others.   I want to give grace frivolously.   This video was very convicting to my heart.  How much grace is enough?  I guess that depends on whether you are giving or recieving.

Quiet my spirit.  My life is busy.   That is not going to change.  What I am learning is that I can quiet my spirit no matter where I am or what is going on.  It is my choice.  It happens inside my heart and peace envelopes.  I have been practicing this lately and what a difference it makes.  I have to say I have also failed miserably at times and that is OK too.  I will just keep practicing because it brings a beautiful peace.

“Be still and know that I AM God.”

I have really enjoyed this Christmas break.  I have checked so many things off my to-do list.  I have spent time listening to music, crafting, reading, sewing, and drawing.  All those things make me slow down, think and process.  I need to do that more.  It is healthy for all involved.

 Time with God needs to be a priority.  Quality time to journal.  Time to meditate on His Word.  I am taking the challenge to memorize and meditate on the book Colossians.  I am fearful that I will fail and give up but I am going to start and I am going to try.   

Quiet my appetites.  Appetites for things that are not good for me. Foods that are of no benefit and eaten too often.   Appetites for things that are not needed yet desired.  Appetites for stuff that 6 months from now will end up at Goodwill or broken.  Appetites to surf Pinterest aimlessly just because it is endless and the next great find might be just a click away.  Appetite to surf Facebook for a bit of information that I really don’t need to know that will only feed my appetite for judgment. 

Quiet.

Happy New Year!  May 2012 bring you many blessings.

Connected

I am joining with Gypsy Momma today...


I watched several preschool programs this week.  That is my blessing being a preschool director.  Children singing to their mommies  and daddies.  Oversized hand motions with big smiles.  So proud of what they had learned and so proud to have someone they loved watching them.

One boy yells "That is my Nanny!"

A little girls eyes light up when she sees her daddy.

A shy child holds her hand over her mouth but is secretly glad that she is performing for momma.

After the performance the children have opportunity to create a holiday treasure with their someone special.  The adults have come into the child's envorment.  It is our chance to be a child again and enjoy the simplicity of popcicle sticks, pom-poms, glue and glitter.

Yet, some of these adults cannot or will not connect.  They are still plugged into their cell phones texting while their child creates.  They sigh and look at their watch.  They ask me "How long do I have to stay?"

I wonder how often do I do that.  Do I linger too long at the computer?  Do I acknowledge their question?  Do I hear their voices?  Or am I too caught up in things that really don't matter to connect?  Pinterest, blogging and facebook can wait. 

Help me Lord to hear and see so I can connect with people and with You.

1000 gifts

http://www.aholyexperience.com

I recently started reading Ann Voskamps' 1000 gifts.  What started as hard to read has turned into can't put down.  I am searching for moments that I can fill my eyes with her words and create my own list.  I am now carrying a little journal to document as I go.  Because waiting until night I just might forget.  This list keeping is making my smile more.  I 'see' things in front of me.  It slows my pace of life just by the smallest amount, yet enough.  Enough for me to breathe in grace, thanksgiving and joy.

• Red tutu's on my 5 year old asian beauty
• Listening to one of my children pick up an instrument of thier choice and worship
• Sharing with friends who are on a similar journey with God teaching similar truths - yet so individual
• Preschoolers singing Away in a Manger across from my office
• Sloppy homemade ornaments made in pride for mom & dad
• The Written Word
• Smell of Christmas baking
• A sweet text from my hubby
• My 15 year old son putting his arm around his momma
• Sharing hope with a discouraged friend

Practicing

I sat on the couch with my youngest as she practiced her reading.  She is still struggling with the small little word “the”.  As we come to it again she tries to sound it out and I tell her this is just one of those words you have to memorize.  It doesn’t sound out.  And we keep reading.  Keep practicing.

We do it with spelling words, parts of speech and multiplication tables.  In biology, it is classifications, in chemistry it is the element chart.  We are all practicing. Drilling in information or concepts that are needed.  Needed to take us to the next.

“Practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation.”

These words are profound to me.  I want so much to realize Truth and have it be so.  Yet, it takes practice.  Simply knowing is not enough.  I have to let it be so.  I have to practice. Just like my 5 year old must practice reading to become a better reader.  Just like my 5^th grader must practice fractions for them to become easier.  Just like my 8^th grader practices her algebra to get better at equations.  Just like my 9^th grader drills kingdoms, phylum, class, families, etc. to better understand life.  Just like my college student memorizes body functions I never knew existed and I don’t understand to get into a nursing program. 

Practice is the hardest part of learning.

For the lessons that God is teaching me I must practice.  I must practice His grace.  I must practice His truth.  I must practice thanksgiving.

And this training is the essence of transformation.

Just breathe

I am linking up with Emily @Chatting at the sky for Tuesday's unwrapped.



God usually speaks in themes in my life. In teaching terms I suppose I would say that we (God and I) have been going through a unit study. A unit study is one that the same subject is used across the curriculum. This is a great way to teach because of repetition and consistency.  It all flows and learning is natural.  God is the perfect teacher.



I love how themes will connect in areas of my life.  What I am reading, a song on the radio, a sermon, or a conversation with a friend.  God does all this to make His point.  To help me to learn His lessons.  Sometimes I have to smile as the same theme emerges again and again.  “Yes, Lord, I am seeing.  I am getting it.”  Other times I react offended.  “Are you kidding me?  Are we still on this, Lord?”  This week I am smiling.  I am getting it. I am working on responding with His eyes, His voice, and His heart instead of reacting in my judgments, my opinions,  and my selfishness.  To take the grace He has richly given and rest and enjoy.

Joy is

"Joy

is always a function of gratitude and

gratitude

is always a function of perspective.

If

we are going to change our lives, what we're

go

ing to have to change is the way we see."

From Ann Voskamp

Perspective

As I sat in church this morning way up in the back of the balcony singing seasonal hymns and songs I felt a wave wash over me.  A wave of praise and gratitude to Jesus.  It caught me a bit off guard.  I feel myself coming out of a long, long drought.  And it feels good.  As my perspective changes I can feel the rain starting to sprinkle over my soul and my spirit is renewed.  Circumstances and people remain the same, yet I have a peace that God is in control of everything and that is enough.  I am learning to let the peace of God rule.

We watched Seven Days in Utopia this weekend.  It was so good. I highly recommend it.  It is a great reminder about what life is all about.  Perspective is everything.

Wednesday we had this amazing couple come to speak to our youth group.  Kathleen is absolutely amazing.  Amazing.  She is such an incredible woman of God.  I was so blessed to meet her in person and hear her story told in her voice.  To meet Cale and to see him smile.  Amazing. Again, it is all in your perspective.

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.  Colossians 3:15-16

This song blesses me.  God is worth my praise all the time.  In the dessert of my spirit, in the fire of my trial, in my battle and in the harvest.  It is all in my perspective.  I choose to let my attitude be that of Christ.

Hillsong United
Desert Song lyrics

VERSE 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

BRIDGE:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow