We bless this year for all we learned,
For all we loved and lost
And for the quiet way it brought us
Nearer to our invisible destination. - To Bless the Space Between Us
I think I could mark this year as my mid-life crisis. I thought it was just for men who traded in the sensible family car for a sporty convertible - yet apparently mid-life crisis is equal opportunity to both of the sexes and it shows up when it is least expected. I want to mark it and move on. This process has been painful. Productive. Humbling.
My crisis did not come in the form of a car, although we did buy a new vehicle in September, but in a long drawn out process to dig deep between me and God. There have been many tears and much gnashing of teeth. I have come to realize that I have had some faulty thinking.
Parenting is hard. We are all doing the best we can with what we know. As much as I wish it could be trimmed down to a neat and tidy formula, parenting is messy. Children have their own agendas, thoughts and wills. It is prideful of me to judge another parent on what I see from the outside. I am only getting a small snapshot of what is going on. We should encourage and build up other parents because this gig is super hard. I question my decisions of parenting most of the time and wonder if I my children will need therapy when they are adults. When I see my insecurities come out in my children I cringe...and cry. I want to do it well and I am sure you do too.
Marriage still takes work. I've been married for 22 years. My man is amazing and wonderful. He is thoughtful, kind, and serves me well. Anytime he is away from home whether it be an errand he is running or coming home from work, he calls and asks if I need anything before he gets home. Every time. He calls me "Beautiful" even when and especially when I am not. I am so thankful that he does not measure his love for me on what I give to him. It takes a lot of effort to keep my husband a priority, look into his heart, and give to him when I feel empty. Ron is easy to love, faithful to give to me and the kids and I take him for granted most of the time. I want to love him well. I am so thankful that I get to spend my life with him. He is my greatest gift.
I like to be in control. I don't like the unknowns. The what-ifs in life. I don't like to need people. I have tried in vain to keep things under my control and not step out into the unknown because it is safe, and it falsely feels like control. When I release my tight grip and open my hands it gives God the opportunities to do something new and wonderful. Starting in my heart. My controlling behaviors come out in trying to do things perfect without grace, especially towards my self. Being hyper sensitive to comments and hyper critical towards others keeping them a safe distance to prevent potential hurts. I am learning so much about grace. How much I need it and how much God wants to give it. I have closed my hand to His grace falsely believing that I could do life on my own and avoid hurts. I am leaning into the Gifts of Imperfection.
I am looking forward to 2015. It is a new stage of life for me and my family. I want to approach it with grace and love my people well. I want to be open to new relationships and deepening the ones I already have. I want to fall forward.