Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Season change...why can't I?

Seasons change. Styles change. Diapers need to be changed. Why do I find it so hard to be flexible with change? This seems to be the theme of my life right now.

I used to pride myself on being go with the flow, fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl. Hmmm...maybe that is where the problem began, pride.

We brought home a beautiful, wonderful baby girl from China right before Christmas. Although we planned and prepared for this amazing journey for nearly TWO years, I way underestimated the change it would involve. You would think that being a mother of already four children would have prepared me to bring home another child. Let's blame it on being older this time and my brain not functioning at top capacity anymore. I had forgotten how much time babies take. How needy they are ALL the time. Doesn't that sound ridiculous? I forgot how needy babies are? What was I thinking?

With our blessing came the reality that I can not do it all. This has been a reoccurring lesson in my life. Apparently I am still not getting it. God is telling me that the season is changing and I am digging my heels in all the way. I don't like change. I can do this. Just a little time of chaos and it will all be OK. God says in His quiet voice, 'Change child'. But Lord, I can do this all. 'Change child.' But Lord, it is just a few months more of commitments. 'Change child.' But, but, but...

I can keep all the balls juggling for awhile until something unexpected comes up. Someone is coming for dinner. A child gets hurt or sick. My husbands job requires something in addition to the normal routine. An additional obligation. And then I crumble. I loose it. Maybe not on the outside, but inside I fall apart.

I don't like change. Here I have the choice. Choose what the Lord has for me for this season, be obedient and live in peace. Or choose my way, disobedience, and live in chaos for 'just a while longer'.

This doesn't change my opinion of liking change. BUT I do like the fruit that change brings. I love seeing new growth on my branches. I love seeing the buds of fruit starting to blossom. I love the new knowledge of God. I love the increase in my faith that God's ways are ALWAYS best. I just hate the process.

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